Stuckness.

& what to do in the chrysalis phase.

Dear Reader,

Wanna know a secret? I’m the happiest I have ever ever ever been & simultaneously, the most unsettled I’ve ever been.

Let me explain.

Life feels completely different than it once did. I’m engaging with life very differently… I’m no longer who I was, while also feeling more like myself than ever before. Maybe it’s age — I read the other day that French women believe life begins at 36, while Carl Jung said “Life really does begin at 40. Up until then you are just doing research.” I’m not yet either of those ages… but feel like life has (really) just begun. Maybe it’s becoming Rocky’s mom??? Realizing I’m responsible for someone’s whole childhood?! Birth of a baby is also the birth of a new mom… I’ve never been this version of me yet. I’ve never been as present + dropped into life.

I adore this version of me.

But you know the feeling you’ve outgrown certain things? You’re a new shape that cannot fit into your old life? Old relationships feel glitchy? Locations, too. Change feels imminent. You feel that change is absolutely coming (to match the change you already FEEL internally), but you don’t know what that change is. My husband & I will stand in our home, look at each other, & go, “We’ve gotta get the hell out of here.” But get out, to where?

(& we’re not even sure this is a physical move! Maybe it is! Maybe it’s not. We could stay here, or move to a different country. Change careers. Swap everything! Anything is possible.)

If you deposited 100 million dollars in my bank account & the sky really was the limit, full carte blanche — if I could do anything & go anywhere — I would still feel… blank. My mind would go blank. BLANK!!

What do we do with those “blanks?” What do we do when we can sense a change building, but we don’t know what it will be? Because I know this isn’t a sensation unique to only me. We can all feel stuck, ready for change, but like… what is it?

We’re the butterfly in the chrysalis, our old caterpillar self is gone, but we haven’t broken out yet… We feel that our life is about to look different, (we’re a new butterfly after all! we can fly now!) but our mind doesn’t KNOW what that out-of-cocoon-life will look like. We don’t know what action steps to take! Maybe we finally feel ready to take a scary step, but life hasn’t informed us of what that is yet. We’re just revving our engines, waiting! It’s the feeling of being ready to JUMP into an unknown, but looking around, scratching our head, asking the universe, “But which ledge do I jump off of? Wait I don’t even see any ledges… Am I supposed to climb one of these walls? Let me out!”

So what do we do???

IDK.

But, what am I doing?